How abuse in childhood affects your relationships as an adult
Undeniably, childhood trauma haunts romantic relationships. Your attachment style, or the way you bond with your partner, is shaped in childhood; abuse survivors often cannot feel secure within a relationship. This insecurity can lead to an unwillingness to engage in even the smallest of conflicts, to avoid intimacy, and to fear being vulnerable.
There is hope. If you are a childhood abuse survivor, you can gain awareness of how your past forms your self-esteem, and how it impacts your relationships as an adult. With help, many adults who experienced neglect or abuse as a child are able to form stable, healthy, and loving relationships.
If you experienced abuse in childhood, you are not alone
Every year, hundreds of thousands of children in the United States experience abuse or neglect (Crouch, 2019). Some experts are even calling for childhood abuse to be declared a public health crisis.
“Child abuse is when a parent or caregiver, whether through action or failing to act, causes injury, death, emotional harm or risk of serious harm to a child. There are many forms of child maltreatment, including neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, exploitation, and emotional abuse.”
Adverse childhood events or experiences have long-term impacts. A child’s emotional pain is not temporary or situational; it imprints upon their brains and hearts. They carry the burden throughout their lifetime.
How abuse or neglect in childhood impacts the brain
The brain is an extraordinarily complex structure that needs a precise balance of chemicals to keep it healthy.
Abuse and trauma throw off this delicate balance. Whether the abuse is emotional, physical, or sexual, the child’s trauma alters the brain’s function and development (De Bellis, 2014). The way the brain deals with stress is damaged. The change and delay in brain development stunts higher-level thinking and leads to a host of mental disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression, attachment disorder, substance abuse, and the list goes on.
How childhood trauma affects self-perception as an adult
Your self-perception, how you see yourself, is directly tied to your self-esteem, how you feel about yourself. Self-esteem forms while we are young through direct interaction with our caretakers. In healthy relationships, the parent or caretaker provides healthy boundaries and appropriate feedback. When a child is abused by the very person who should be loving and guiding them, all of this guidance is twisted. For example, when a child is a victim of consistent gaslighting, chances are they will never trust their perceptions as an adult.
As an adult, a victim of abuse may experience compulsive feelings of worthlessness, self-hatred, and engage in negative self-talk. Another extreme reaction could be adults exhibiting self-aggrandizing behaviors and viewing themselves as more important than anyone else in their sphere.
How childhood trauma affects romantic relationships
When you think poorly of yourself, it’s easy to fall into the trap of not trusting others. You become guarded and unwilling or unable to be vulnerable with your spouse. Vulnerability is the key to healthy communication. Healthy communication is the key to a well-balanced relationship.
Avoiding conflict is a coping mechanism most children self-teach when they’re being abused. It is a normal reaction and no cause for shame. If you recognize this trait in yourself, take heart. You’re an adult, you are in control of your surroundings, and there are more sophisticated coping mechanisms available for you.
Inter-dependent vs. co-dependent relationships
“Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”
This is a gorgeous way of saying: relationships should be inter-dependent rather than co-dependent.
Relationships, by nature, are inter-dependent. Couples rely on one another. Partners share household chores, pool their finances, and provide emotional support. This mutual reliance can be an excellent, loving interchange; it makes the two parts of the whole stronger. Inter-dependent relationships require cohesion from both parties, but they empower the couple to remain individuals. Knowing that your partner is in your corner and on your side brings peace and joy to you.
Unfortunately, the low self-esteem that often results from abuse in childhood can take a couple from inter-dependent to co-dependent. Co-dependent relationships are born of an excessive need for relational support from your partner.
For example, imagine you are in the midst of a mental health crisis. You’re unable to sleep or focus, you’re having panic attacks frequently, and having difficulty finding a resolution. In an inter-dependent relationship, your significant other will go out of their way to help. They may spend time soothing you through your tears, reassuring you that this is temporary and will pass, and even make doctor’s appointments for you. Meanwhile, that loved one is still engaging in their own self-care.
The same scenario in a co-dependent relationship will likely include the aforementioned loving gestures. But your needs are overshadowing everything. Your partner is 100% dedicated to helping you through this crisis while forsaking their own needs. They may start missing work, neglecting their other important relationships, and missing out on their other essential commitments. In a co-dependent relationship, the partners do not have a healthy two-sided marriage or partnership where each gets and gives support.
Start the healing process – and nurture your relationship
The impact of childhood abuse on your relationship is profound. However, you do have the power to heal and maintain a healthy, loving relationship.
Check-in with yourself, start identifying negative thought patterns, and challenge them by celebrating what is positive about yourself.
Surround yourself with the right people. Avoid people who have proven they’re willing to manipulate you.
Find a therapist who is experienced in helping adults recover from childhood trauma.
Be patient with yourself; grant yourself some grace. Healing is a process. Healing takes time.
Your healing, your marriage, and your ability to engage in a fulfilling relationship are too important to put off. Seek help and start healing. I look forward to helping!
References
Childhelp. (2020) The Issue of Child Abuse. Childhelp.org. https://www.childhelp.org/child-abuse/
Child Trends – Child Maltreatment. https://www.childtrends.org/indicators/child-maltreatment
Crouch, E., Probst, J. C., Radcliff, E., Bennett, K. J., & McKinney, S. H. (2019). Prevalence of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) among US children. Child abuse & neglect, 92, 209-218.
De Bellis, M. D., & Zisk, A. (2014). The biological effects of childhood trauma. Child and adolescent psychiatric clinics of North America, 23(2), 185–vii. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chc.2014.01.002
Gibran, Kahlil. (1923). The Prophet. New York, NY: Alfred A Knopf
